Best casino jokes

“Why isn´t gambling allowed in Africa? Because of all the cheetahs.”

 

Got that one? Gambling has no religion, ethnicity or sex. Gambling is for everyone, and casinos are found everywhere. In fact, gamblers are so used to traveling across the globe and meeting people from all different cultures, that they are probably the most open-minded people on our planet. So without further ado, let us get you cracking with some casino jokes:

 

Why did the blonde bring french fries to a poker game?

– Because players were told to bring their own chips!

 

Husband comes rushing home in the evening, all excited.

“Mary, pack your stuff! I just won a million bucks off the roulette table!!”

“Oh, dear, how amazing! What should I pack for, the beach or skiing?”

“I don´t care, Mary, as long as you are out of the house by morning!”

 

How do you make a small fortune out of sports betting?

– Start out with a big fortune!

 

Is it true that women gamble less than men because they make less money?

– Nah, it is because women satisfy their instinct for gambling by marriage.

 

What is the difference between praying at the casino, and at church?

– At the casino, you actually mean it!

 

How do you get a sweet, old lady to curse as hell?

– Make another sweet, old lady yell “Bingo!”

 

So, three friends take their girlfriends to Las Vegas for some gambling. After a great weekend, they come home and do not see each other for a week until they meet up in the bar. One of them complains:

“Damn, I haven’t slept for a week. My girlfriend keeps yelling ‘Come on, Zero!’ in her sleep after playing the roulette!”

“That is nothing, says the second guy. My girlfriend keeps screaming, ‘Hit me, hit me, hit me!’ in her sleep after playing Blackjack!”

“Shut up you two, says the third pal. My girlfriend played the slots. Now I keep waking up with a sore dick and ten dollars in dimes shoved up my ass!”

 

One bum asked a guy for a couple of dollars.

“Will you use this money to buy alcohol?”

“Nope,” the bum replied.

“Will you use this money to gamble?”

“Hell no,” the bum replied.

“Could you come home with me for a short while?”

“Why in the world would I do that?” the bum asked, puzzled.

“So I can show my wife what happens to a man who does not drink or gamble…”

 

– My wife left me. She says I gamble too much. I would do anything to win her back.

 

– Slot machines are like sex. Everyone thinks that they are the best, but in reality, they do not have a clue what they are doing.

 

– They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money is on Jim.

 

– Best sign that you have a gambling addiction? Your kids are named “Check” and “Raise”.

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